you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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