So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
