; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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