Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
