he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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