the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
