I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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