tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
