chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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