Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
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No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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