If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
