I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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