I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
