dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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