if i can run in heels then i can drive
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
