now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
