Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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