mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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