I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
