ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
