she woke up with a sticky ear
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
