So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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