saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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