i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
