dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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