Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
