omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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