Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
