the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
