Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
