And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
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This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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