i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
