I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
