so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
