So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
