you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
