i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
