I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
