six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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