She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
