that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need to align my fucking chakras
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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