ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
