It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
