if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
