At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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