I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
