I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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