They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
