he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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