Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
