I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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