dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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