I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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