we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
